If you’ve been doing your usual mindless scrolling through your Tik Tok Lately on the ‘For You’ page (I know), you may have seen some interesting accusations leveled in Ariana Grande’s direction.
The whole drama started last summer, when Ariana Grande Was Reportedly Dating Her Wicked co-star, actor and singer Ethan Slater. The problem fans online had: Ethan had just married someone else, with whom he had recently had a child. With the release of his new song “Yes, and?”, the anger has only increased. TikTok is on the warpath, accusing Grande of having something (as, a kink) to pinching people’s partners.
This is known as a “homewrecker kink,” which is exactly what it sounds like. It is when people become aroused by the thought or act of enticing people who are already in a committed relationship and/or having sexual relations with them.
We don’t know if Grande has a homewrecking perversion, and none of the rumors about her extramarital affairs have been proven true, but they have spread so much that Grande addresses them directly with a “yeah, and?” She gives a metaphorical middle finger to conversations about her online love and sex life with the lyrics: “Your business is yours and mine is mine, why do you care so much whose dick I ride?”
the song has has not been well received by many social media users, but Grande’s message (which is none of our business) is loud and clear.
Regardless of whether or not the singer-songwriter likes people in a relationship, the discourse surrounding her relationship certainly says a lot about how we view these types of situations. So, speaking with sex and relationship therapists, we explored why these situations provoke such visceral reactions, why you’re not actually a bad person if you like someone else’s partner, and how you can explore a homewrecking kink (if you have a). ethically.
Who likes this devastating perversion and why?
Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, who has a PhD in relational and sexual communication, tells Mashable that people may like sleeping with other people’s partners, or the idea of doing so, because it is a taboo act, which can be “very exciting and sexually stimulating.” “.
Gigi Engle, Sex Therapist and Educator on LGBTQ+ Dating App Timeand Crushable collaboratorsays that, for some people, a homewrecking perversion is also linked to the appeal of “being so incredibly desired that someone would cheat on their partner for you, like they would risk everything for you.”
Suwinyattichaiporn says vandalizing homes is a pretty specific problem. “However, there are some surveys that show that a large number of people enjoy the act of infidelity. That could mean that many more people enjoy the destruction of homes, but they don’t say it,” he tells Mashable.
Engle notes that her personal research shows that it’s mostly straight people involved in home-destroying issues, and “there’s not a lot of that happening in queer communities.”
“This is not to say that (queer people) cannot participate, or within other communities, but heterosexual relationships seem to be where it is most prevalent,” he adds.
This is possibly due to heteronormative scripts, which are very present in the way we talk about home-wrecking issues, according to Engle. Scripts refer to the ways in which we articulate cultural norms. For example, the ideas that men are supposed to be strong and unemotional and that women are supposed to be caring are written into our cultural “script.” This relates to homewrecking and, by extension, the perversions of homewreckers, because the way we talk about cheating is very gendered. “Homewrecker” is an insult often directed at women, while men are usually forgiven and not as often accused of purposely wrecking homes.
Mashable after dark
Additionally, gay, lesbian, and bisexual people are less likely, according to a study, to conform to the gender roles in their lives, including archetypal ideas about marriage. They are also more likely to experiment with consensual non-monogamyaccording to a study in The magazine of bisexuality. Therefore, it may be that the danger of destroying homes is less important in these spaces.
A controversial fetish
For obvious reasons, people feel a lot of anger at the mere thought of homebreaking problems, but Suwinyattichaiporn and Engle believe this anger is often misplaced.
“(Home-destroying perversions) go against the widely held belief that the only type of valuable relationship is a long-term monogamous marriage relationship. So, I can see why people who subscribe to that belief get very angry at the home-destroying perversions,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.
Gender roles also play a big role in this. Fearing other women and seeing them as competition is also built into the cultural script of women and girls from a young age, and the idea that another woman could take you away from your partner is something we are told to not only fear, but also we must drive. ourselves. Meanwhile, Engle points out that men are often forgiven or expected to cheat. Often, a man’s cheating on a woman is seen as a failure on the part of one of the women (his partner or so-called homewrecker).
This turns into misplaced anger toward those who sleep with married people, especially women who sleep with straight men, and what doesn’t help is the deeply ingrained myth that such women are automatically bad people.
If you’re someone with a homewrecking perversion, Engle says it’s important to understand that it doesn’t make you a bad person. Cheating, of course, often involves lies and deception, so it’s understandable that this desire to sleep with people in a relationship makes people’s stomachs upset.
However, it’s not your fault who you’re attracted to, nor is it your responsibility if someone who promised monogamy to their partner (whom you don’t know) crosses that line with you. It’s worth noting that, when it comes specifically to heterosexual relationships, women are constantly told through social messages that this is their problem; Men are rarely to blame for cheating, but rather the burden is on the female partner and the partner.
The way we view cheating, in general, also tends to be disproportionate and this filters into the way we view people, especially women, with home-destroying vices. Engle says, “We put cheating on the same moral level as murder in society. If you cheat, you’re considered the worst person in the world and it’s unfair.”
He also believes this ties into broader conversations we’ve been having culturally about non-monogamy. Dating app statistics. Flirting They say that half of men and one in three women are open to polyamory. However, this surge of interest has been received poorly by many people, with some social media users referring to polyamory as “allowing cheating to occur.”
Engle says, “It’s an unrealistic expectation for humans to be attracted to just one person, and yet we act like you’re a bad person if you’re not,” which is steeped in capitalist and heteronormative ideas: systems that repress us. and it can really depress our sexual exploration. With all this in mind, it’s no wonder that some people with homewrecking manias find themselves internalizing shame.
How to Explore a Homewrecking Problem Without the Real Adventures
If you’re worried about exploring this issue because of feelings that might hurt you, there are ways to play around with it without actually getting involved in someone else’s relationship.
Suwinyattichaiporn says exploring connections with people who are in open relationships or polyamorous relationships could help explore a homewrecking kink, without the so-called homewrecking part. “Let them know from the beginning that this is what you like so they know, and if they like the idea, you can pretend it’s an affair while you and their partners know you’re having sex,” she explains. This way no one gets hurt.
It does require some imagination, though, so you’ll have to put on your role-playing hat. Engle recommends talking to your sexual partner about your interest in this issue and seeing if you can incorporate it through role-playing. “You could pretend that the person you’re sleeping with has a partner and that you don’t want to get caught,” he says.
She explains that there are all kinds of methods you can try to make this really convincing to you, like asking them to post photos of themselves with someone else on a fake dating profile that you can match with, or talking about their fictitious partner during the sex. Try phrases like “Oh God, I hope your husband/wife/partner doesn’t find out about this” to create some excitement.
“It’s the same as any other role play. You both know you’re not really acting, but it’s fun to pretend and can be very exciting,” Engle adds.
There are many ways to ethically explore homewrecker issues, and you don’t need to be branded with a scarlet letter if you choose to play with it the old-fashioned way. Maybe we should change the name of the issue to clarify it.